Eisenhower's Literary Magazine
June, 2003
Where's My
Home?
By: Ashley
Part I
"We're leaving tomorrow." she said as if it were no
big deal.
"But this is my home!" I yelled back at her. "I
don't ever want to leave our land! I want to stay here with the
trees, the pond, and the blueberry field!" I was so consistent
with this that I thought that she would give in. But unfortunately
she did no such thing.
"I love this land just as much as you do. But we have to
get away from here. No matter where I turn and this I know is
the same with you, your father is right there. Next to both of
us. Everything reminds us of him." This I knew was true.
Every single thing that I did reminded me of him. I don't want
to admit it to her though.
"That's not true! I just wanna stay in case he might come
back. I mean maybe they got the wrong Richard. Maybe they got
a different Richard. Like Richard Wolff or Richard Long. "
"It couldn't have been daddy hunny bunch. I mean how many
Richards are there that have the last name Salamanca? Tell me
that much?" she was saying. She said it as if she was stronger
than you would think that she should but really she was not.
I could just hear it in her voice. The way it always sounds now.
You see she used to have such a strong voice that was gentle
yet could be fierce when she needed it to.
Right now we live in Utah and I just know that she wants us
to go where she grew up. Nice new Colorado. How much I don't
look forward to going there. It's not that it's a bad place to
be it's just that...... Well, I really think that it will be
boring! Plus I won't know anyone. How will I survive without
my father I ask you how?
Well, before I go any further with my own thoughts I would like
to tell you what happened to my father. My father was coming
home from a business trip because he was getting some supplies
for his veterinarian office here. When he was coming home my
mom and I were making him a nice welcome home dinner with a cake
and all. But he never came. Then finally we got a call saying
where my father had been. It turned out that my father was killed
in a car accident. He skidded off of the road because of a drunk
driver. The driver skidded off too. The drunk driver was fine
but my father was not. He died the next day from severe injuries.
What a way to die. It was kinda dramatic. Yet it was no Romeo
and Juliet type thing. I was only 11, and now I'm 12. Not even
a year from today. She still wants to move. I really don't understand
why. I really don't. But in a way she is right. We do need to
get away from here. Get away from the sadness. Get away from
ourselves. Get away from daddy for a little bit.
That night was all quiet. It seemed as if all our words. Our
voices were taken away. Like someone just went inside of our
necks and took them away. I want to say something to her. But
I don't know how. I don't know if it will come out right. Or
if it will come out at all. I went to bed as I always do. The
same way. The same side. Yet something was wrong. I could fell
it. Like something inside of me was missing. I really don't know
what it is. But what ever it is I wanna know now. I mean now.
I finally got to sleep that night. Actually I got to sleep at
a very decent hour as my mom would put it. This morning seemed
fresher. As if nothing could go wrong. I felt like a new me.
Kinda like a caterpillar coming out of its cocoon in the spring
time, and to notice that it's a butterfly. I felt so blissful
at that morning that I began to hum a little tune while I was
going down stairs for breakfast as usual. When I got down there
I saw the boxes. Right then. At that specific moment, I had to
remember. Even through all of my bliss and my humming. I remembered.
I wish that I hadn't. All of the boxes were stacked of some sort
in the kitchen, while my mother was just standing there cooking
breakfast as if it were no big deal.
Then she turned around and said, "Hey! My little hunny
bunch. How do you want your eggs? Over easy, scrambled, or sunny-side?"
And there she was again with that no big deal look on her face.
Now it was in her voice too. Man how I despised that tone. Yet
I still loved my mom with all my heart. At least I was trying
in these moments of broken bliss and rage. I wanted to have a
nice little smart mouth come back for her really I did. But I
just couldn't do it.
"I really don't feel like having eggs this morning mom.
I think that I'll just have some toast." that's what I said.
Instead of that small little smart mouth comeback that would
have gotten me a pure and long grounding was no more. I'm trying
to clear my head. Just think of the good things like dogs, cats,
hamsters, bunnies, and much more wonderful things. When I opened
the cupboard that had the toaster in it, there was absolutely
nothing there. I should have been ready for that. But of course
I wasn't. "Mom, where's the toaster?" I tried to ask
her this quietly. But I had one or two not so little glitches
of rage stutters. The ones that you usually hear on movies or
TV.
"Oh Di I guess I forgot to tell you. I packed the toaster
in one of those boxes at the bottom early this mornin'."
Of course it had to be one of the bottom ones. The ones that
are under the ones marked fragile.
My jaw tightened so much that I hope it doesn't stay that way.
I tried to get the slightest smile out, but it was no use. There's
nothing to smile at. I'm leaving my land, my home, my school,
my friends, and who I am. I'm trying to get used to the idea
of it all. Truly I am. But as I said, I'm leaving who I am behind
in moving away. So I had to take up my mom's offer to have eggs
this morning. Unfortunately.
After breakfast I called my best friend Tamie and told her to
meet me in the meadows of my ranch where our secret spot
is. Of course our secret spot isn't that much of a secret. It's
not one of those really shabby, but pretty cool club houses that
some kids build. All it is is a nice quiet spot by our willow
tree. It's a nice place to go and clear your head. When I was
really little I used to come out in the early morning and lay
by the tree and look straight up. Right into the branches of
the tree. I always thought that the tree could sing to me because
whenever I did this I always heard the birds singing their special
song. Now I realize that the tree can't sing, but knowing how
beautiful the birds can sing never the less, I still feel drawn
to that tree for some weird reason. I guess it's just how the
birds sing. But whatever it is, I love it.
When she came she was sweating from running so far, and she
was so blissful. She told me all about how she was having the
best day. She just made a new friend, her pen pal is actually
answering her letters again, her mom and dad are both in the
best moods, her little brother Mikey wasn't bothering her like
he always does every morning at the exact same time, and her
normal plain dirty blonde hair which almost always looks so dark,
lightened so that it looked as if she had just been to the most
advanced beauty shop in the country. I didn't want to tell her
the news but I knew I had to. I told her unhappily. Almost instantly
her smile withered. Her eyes were being bombarded with tears
that were beyond her control to hold back. She hugged me so hard.
I hugged her back the same way. I didn't want to leave her and
the rest of my friends here, but I had to. It wasn't fair to
her or me. But where did it ever say on our birth certificates
that life was going to be fair. We both cried. And then we calmed
ourselves down.
"What do you think it will be like in Colorado for you?
Or what will it be like here without you?" she asked
with a large sigh at the end to state how melancholy she truly
was.
"Well," I said. "It will be different for both
of us. I'll be in a boring town with no friends, and you'll be
here with every one you have come to know and became friends
with and at least here somethin' interesting happens." I
answered that in such a way that it made her giggle just a little.
But even that slightest giggle made me feel a little better.
"I have to ask. Is there the slightest chance that there's
a bright side?" she asked in a little brighter voice than
before.
"I bet you there is." I said. " We could always
write. Since I just got my new laptop for my birthday and you
have your own computer. Then maybe we can chat online too. Also
we can send each other pictures with our letters to give us a
better idea of what the letter is about." I was saying that
in a happier tone than I thought that I would ever have. Tamie
nodded and smiled at me. Her smiling right then made me remember
what my dad said to us before he died. He always said that her
and I were both true country girls. But I always knew that Tamie
looked more of the part than I did. She has a peaches and cream
complexion, wonderful scattered freckles, beautiful hazel eyes,
she's skinny, but not too skinny, and she has that straight gorgeous
dirty blonde hair. Me I have wavy brown hair, my eyes are bright
blue, I'm not as skinny as she is, and I have a tannish complexion.
We're almost completely opposite. But she really was a true
country girl at heart too. She could ride a horse better than
any kid in our town. Me, I could ride pretty good. I mean I'm
better than a lot of kids. But Tamie still takes the cake.
"See ya later Diana, I'll always keep my promise to you.
You can count on it." She told me after about an hour or
so of day dreaming and staring at the sky. She hugged me once
more. She promised that she would always write and try to visit
me as soon as she can. And I promised her the same thing. As
I sat there I couldn't help but feel more melancholy than a child
from about 100 years ago that just got a licking from their teacher
or from a friend. It felt like she just had slapped me in the
face with all of my upcoming guilt. I wish I knew what would
be there for me in Colorado. Probably nothing. I mean are we
really going to have the life that we have here? Or will we have
a different life I've been dreading ever since last night?
Walking back home is like walking to your own execution day
today. Because now I have to leave to go to a place that I hardly
know anything about. Now I ask you am I sounding crazy or am
I sounding reasonable. I mean would you like to leave your home
to some other state? I would think not. Unless you wanted a fresh
start. But that doesn't count. I mean I was popular, I was looked
up to, a lot of people wanted to be my friend, and I was adored
by many kids. Who would want to leave all of this glory? Not
me. I'm completely content... Well, almost completely
content with where we are now. But I guess my mother isn't. Almost
to my execution.
"Come on Di! I need your help carrying these boxes outside
for the movers." said mom. She didn't seem to care that
I looked like I had just went to heck and had just returned.
I wanted to ask her why she was so joyous in this move. But I
caught myself and went to go help her. The boxes only got heavier.
I only got more and more impatient with my mother for the way
she was acting. All blissful and such. It made me feel nauseated.
"Mom, what bout our horses? What's gonna happen to them?
Did ya sell em'?" I asked. I asked this question for only
three reasons. One: So that I would get her cheerful humming
out of my mind. Two: So that I can actually find out what will
happen to them. Finally Three: I wanted to know if my favorite
horse was coming for the ride. Her name is Chiyan. She is a purely
black mare with the best attitude that I've ever known in a mare.
She's just like a normal human girl. Only in horse form.
"Well, here's the deal shuga'." she said. "We're
only goin' to have two horses. They're not here. They're all
the way in Colorado waiting for us! Isn't that just wonderful
hun?" she was looking full of enthusiasm and full of bliss.
How could she look that way? She was taking away my home, my
friends, some of our family, my breakfast, and now she wants
to take away my horse? The only friend that I'll have other than
my dog! This is too much. Way, way too much.
"Don't you care at all? I mean your taking everything away
from me! You've even taken my breakfast away. But now you'll
actually have the nerve to take Chiyan away from me?Why?! I mean
is this a punishment of something? Is it a joke? 'Cuz if this
is it's far from funny. How can you do this to me? I'm only 12!
I need my home! Why mama? Why?" I said. I had a complete
over-rage. Before I knew it, I was on my knees crying and I never
expected that I would do that. But I did. I did cry on her. She
didn't yell, scream, screech, or anything. She just sat there
next to me, holding me very close, and rocking me back and forth
to calm me down. I guess she did get the memo that I hated this
move.
"Diana, I know you don't want to move away from here. But
we have to get away for a little. Your daddy is everywhere. He
knows that we both think this. He knows that both of us
should just try to start off fresh. Feel a new surrounding. Okay
hunny? We both need this. Your daddy knows it, I know it, our
whole family knows it, our friends know it, and even you know
it Di. Okay? Everything is gonna be okay where we're going. I
promise." she said it so calm and sure that I stopped crying
and lifted my head to see her smiling face staring back at me.
I don't know how she can be so sure, but I'll believe her and
let her guide me almost the whole way.
"But mom, what if I don't know if I can do this? What if
I'm afraid of leaving everyone. Including daddy. What if everything
isn't gonna be okay? You say it will, my brain says it will,
but my heart say's no. Is daddy saying no? Before he died I felt
like we had a connection, but now I can't feel it. It's gone
mom. I'm scared." I couldn't help what I said. I wasn't
going by what my mouth, or by what my brain was saying. I went
by my heart.
"Di, your daddy is saying it's okay. He doesn't want us
to just morn for all time and not be able to breathe. He is still
in your heart. He will always be there. I promise you. He'll
never leave you completely. But for now you have to let go just
a little. You can still cry a little, but please, for me, your
daddy, and for yourself Di. Just let him go enough to stop from
being so depressed that you won't even go near his things. Remember
him. Love him. But be who you are and do what you love."
I don't know how she couldn't collapse down and cry also. But,
as much as I hate to admit it, she was right. I was wrong. I
looked like a wreck. And I no longer did anything that I loved
except talking to people, which I didn't do very often, I didn't
swim, play basketball, play softball with my friends, just nothing
like that. She was right. I did need to let go for a little.
For my sake and for my daddy's sake. So I got up, dusted myself
off, and I clung onto my mom for a little.
"The movers are going to be here and a half of a hour.
We better get cooking okay shmoon?" She was smiling now.
I was happy about that. By the way shmoon is another one of my
pet names. It's a babyish one that I forbade her ever to say
infront of anyone other than our family. That does include the
family that isn't family by blood, but by heart. So I began to
help her with the boxes. About 15 minutes later we were ready
for the movers. But I wasn't quite ready for the move.
Finally they came. It was time to tell them about the stuff,
where to go, and all of that other important stuff that parents
tell the movers. Now it was time to get into our car and start
our new journey. With our dog, Sadey in the back and some of
our other things, we began to drive away from our lives and our
home. I really, really hope my mom knows what she's doing. Because
she may seem sure, but I think she's just as blind-sided as I
am. Now I think I'm not the only one that realizes that. I think
she does too.
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